“I am not my stomach”

I am not my stomach. I wasn’t born this way. I was a small, thin girl who loved gymnastics and rollerblading then something changed. My sudden weight gain wasn’t appetite driven. I’d go all day without thinking about food. I went to Weight Watchers, it was suggested I attend OA. It’s hard being an overweight teenager. I hid my pain with sarcasm & laughter. Finally a diagnosis of PCOS explained the weight gained at puberty.

When I was married my ex would say “If you ever left me no one would want you, be lucky you have me” calling me “a fat ugly tub of lard” Abuse took a toll on me physically, emotionally I gained 150 pounds. When I was younger I would think “If I ever reach 200 lbs I’ll kill myself”. My amazing brothers flew to Canada and rescued me. I snuck out of the house leaving behind friends, my car, my cat & a job I loved. I felt totally broken.

Since my divorce I’ve lost 100 lbs. I’m still that big girl in the room. When walking in a crowded place I jokingly say “fat girl in the room needs more space” using humor to hide my pain. I wish I didn’t care what people think. Deep down inside we ALL care what people think. It took me time to realize people do love and care about me. I’m beautiful, smart, talented caring and extremely lovable.

Guys say me to me “Wow, you are so gorgeous if you would just lose your stomach you could be a knock out!” Usually that’s the last time I date them. I’m sick of people seeing me for my stomach not for who I am on the inside. I am sick of people not seeing who SHAYNA IS..

Normally I wouldn’t become involved in something as public as the “what I be project” I want people to know the REAL me. I don’t want to be afraid to meet new people. When I tell friends I’m shy they laugh saying I’m outgoing. I take a million selfies and meet guys on dating sites because I can write BBW and talk to them online where they get to know the real me. However I’m afraid to go to parties or singles events by myself.

I don’t want to be the “FAT GIRL IN THE ROOM” I want people to see past my stomach. I want to be known as a fun, smart, happy-go-lucky, amazing person who is beautiful on the inside and outside. I don’t just want to be the girl with beautiful eyes and great lips. I am so much more and I want to finally be seen for who I am!! And what I be….