“I am not my absurdity”

Fitlers. Masks. Censory. You’re a funny one. Gosh, if only you could make money doing that. Such a character.

I have wanted to be an actor since I was 12 years old. If you had asked me back then why I wanted such an outrageous thing, I would not have been able to answer you, I simply wanted it. It was a dream lodged into a corner of me; a blister that never healed. But since then, I have figured it out. For actors, the stage is their home. It is the only place where they can be. Be everything they cannot be when at work, at school and sometimes even at home. Be funny. Be playful. Be ridiculous. Be angry. Be sad. The gift of the stage is that of safety. A place where emotions deemed as “negative”, such as jealousy or anger would be received with openness and encouragement. It is a home where the actor is thrust forth to explore and express their humanity, the ugly and the beautiful. Once we step off that stage, we must recede back into ourselves and re-enter the world of boundaries and judgment.

I am not a completely open person. I am quite guarded and private. I have few close friends. I can spend more time with my journal than socializing with friends. If you thrust me on stage or if you peeled me away and stared at my insides, I am a clown; exposed, willing, vulnerable and ridiculous. I am honest. I am absurd. It is not necessarily who I am, but the language I speak, so to speak. It is the use of a different set of vocabulary. It is how I relate. It is built into me and I cannot deny myself the right to express myself in this way.
When I bring that self to my real life, I fear judgment and misunderstanding. I fear the look that says, man, she’s a weirdo. Or, why is she acting like an 8 year old? Gotta be ADD. Being social adept is a highly important value of mine. I want others to feel they can relate to me. So I must filter. I will admit it, if I could, my life would be a musical, live with dancing, singing and lots of shmacting (over-the-top acting). But that would just be annoying for everyone else.

I do not like when people dismiss me as a character because they dismiss my absurdity. And my absurdity is how I express my humanity. It is how I relate to reality. If a banana could be a smile, why would I turn that upside down?