Standing in a dressing room, just trying on a pair of pants… Beginning to cry. I hate shopping these days.
When I was in high school, I was always the skinniest little girl. Having marching band practice every day and being limited to school lunches, all of my friends told me to go eat some cheeseburgers, but in reality, I ate a lot. I couldn’t help that my weight was much less than everyone else’s. This was my insecurity back then; I was too skinny. My metabolism was fast, and I never thought of how college would change that. Being a commuter in college, I don’t have a meal plan. I have to fend for myself when it comes to eating every day; so, where do I go to eat?
I eat out at the all-efficient, “fast” food restaurants. This started when I first began college back in the fall of 2012, and it has not stopped since. Fast food is just so easy to me, and it seems so cheap when you are in the moment. Since I graduated high school though, I have gained at least thirty pounds, and my insecurity has reversed; my thighs and my butt are huge, and I have gained a lot of fat on my stomach. My pants size has increased, and I hate looking at myself in a bathing suit. This is what led to the hatred of shopping; I don’t know what size I need to wear anymore. I don’t believe it when people compliment me anymore. Even when my boyfriend who I was with in high school compliments me, it is so hard to believe him. I know that he doesn’t care what I look like, but I don’t know how he can see some beautiful girl anymore… I don’t see that beautiful girl anymore. It is amazing how much I have changed over the past two years, and I really just want my old weight and confidence back.
I always feel like everyone is looking at my weight when I walk into a room, but in reality, they probably haven’t noticed me one bit. I want to work on my weight and become healthy and in shape again, but I just don’t know how. I want to look in the mirror in a bathing suit and feel that confidence again. Exercising is one of the most difficult things for me; I can’t run for long without being out of breath, and I just don’t know how to exercise correctly. I feel so weak when it comes to my health, and I am hopeless as to what to do. I need to realize that I am not my weight. I know that I am a smart girl with a lot ahead of me, and I know that I can change myself for the better. I can learn to exercise and eat healthy, and I will be confident again, no matter how much time and effort it will take. I am not my weight.