“I am not my weight gain”

This is not who I am. The girl I used to know does not exist anymore. Healthy. Happy. Full of life. She is gone. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back at me. Who is she? And where is Samantha Marie Campbell?

My whole life I have been an athlete. Since the day I could kick a ball, the soccer field has felt more like home than anywhere else. I know who I am with a ball at my feet. I am confident, aggressive, smart and strong. The girl in the mirror possesses none of these qualities. She hides behind baggy t-shirts and a quirky sense of humor. But everyone sees right through her. The only person she’s fooling – is herself.

The girl in the mirror has lost her smile. She looks sad and tired and beaten by the cruel hand of life. There is heaviness in her eyes and tugging on the edges of her mouth. What has happened to this girl in mirror? I reach out and touch the glass. I want to help her – to save her. I see tears stream down her face and I just want to hug her and hold her and tell her she is not alone.

When I moved to LA for school, I neglected my athletic lifestyle. My health began to diminish and I fell into a depression that consumed me. I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to see my friends. My only solace was food. One problem feeding off another and gaining speed and energy until I no longer controlled my life – food did. The girl in the mirror understands my pain and cries for me as well as herself. Our hands touch at the glass and we have a silent understanding. She knows the roads I have walked and the things I’ve seen. She knows that deep down inside, there is a young, healthy, beautiful girl screaming and struggling to break free.

Anger fills me from my fingertips to the beat-beat-beat of my weary heart. I hear someone yelling and realize it is the girl in the mirror. She needs my help. I break the glass and watch as her expression changes from sorrow to confusion. Blood from the broken pieces drips down her shaking hands and I realize… The girl in the mirror, is me.

I can’t wear a bathing suit. I can’t wear a little black dress. I can’t even bring myself to wear a sleeveless shirt in front of people. I don’t even like to shower anymore because I am forced to look at what I have become. The girl in the mirror, is me.

Every single day is a struggle and I am trying so gawddam hard. But I am not perfect. I might never reach my goal weight. This is who I am. This is what I be.