“I am not my virginity”

I am truly lucky to live the life I do, and am truly happy with where I am, and excited about where I am headed. I am a really involved individual on campus, serving as a Resident Advisor, an Ambassador (tour guide/orientation leader/student representative), New Member Educator of my Sorority, along with various major based and community service oriented organizations.

I have a large presence on campus and always have a positive attitude and a smile on my face. What people do not see is that I too have struggles, just as everyone else does. I have a lot of love in my heart and feel like I have so much to give, yet I can’t seem to find someone who accepts all of me. I have been told countless times how good of a heart I have, how positive, caring, smart, beautiful, etc. I am, but that it will not work out. Or even worse just completely left to guess what had happened, allowing myself to make assumptions.

Because of my past experiences, I have had a hard time letting people in, in a romantic sense, because I am so fearful of being hurt again. I would consider that this fear has been instilled in me since I began to explore myself in a romantic sense, and has affected every relationship since. I am so protective of myself, that I have not yet felt comfortable enough to give all of me to someone, so I am still a virgin.

Being a virgin is something that is strange to find today, especially as a girl who is really involved and within the college “hook-up” culture. When I tell someone, which is rare that I do, they usually respond with “Really?!” or “Wow… Good for you”, or just do not know what to say. My reasons for holding out for having sex goes back to my original trust issues, because I am so terrified of people leaving. I do not want to be used for sex without it meaning something to the other person.

My insecurity involving trust issues, the fear of being left, not being appreciated for who I truly am, and for being a virgin have shaped me because I live my life guarded. You wouldn’t know this about me just based off looking at me, or seeing myself in my roles on campus, but I freeze up when I talk about being in a relationship. I am fearful that I will never find someone, but I know that with time and growth, I can open up myself enough to possibly finding someone who likes ME, and not just my body.