I am not my weight. But sometimes it feels like I am. I don’t remember when I first started struggling with my body image or constantly comparing myself to others, but it happens every day. When I was in middle school, I remember a family member of mine saying, “wow, you look good Caitlin. You look like you’ve lost some weight.” Middle school, a time where we are all at our most awkward and impressionable state someone was commenting on my weight.
Now that’s not the only reason I struggle, but I remember it to this day and I think it just shows how impressionable we are when were young and how things like that can carry a heavy weight into our adult lives. I’ve always been bigger than my friends, I’ve always had really chunky thighs, and I’ve always felt ugly without makeup. How I feel about my body is constantly fluctuating. Sometimes, I love my body and believe that I am beautiful, but somedays I truly don’t love myself. And it isn’t just my figure, but also my face. Somedays I feel good and other days I just feel ugly. And I don’t know why.
The worst it got for me was this past year. I went through a break up with someone who, for more than four years, constantly told me how beautiful I was even when I didn’t believe him. The hardest part has been learning to believe that on my own. Being lonely lead to binging, and even though I don’t currently consider myself to have an eating disorder, a few times I binged and purged. Luckily, it has been a few months since the last time that has happened, and I have been working really hard to see my beauty, without needing someone else to tell me. In February, I went an entire month without wearing makeup. When I first started, I felt so ugly and bad about myself, but in the end I felt so much more comfortable with the real me.
While I continue to face the struggle that is body image, I try to remember that the size of my heart matters more. I know there is a long battle ahead, but I also know that am beautiful and can overcome this.