My insecurity has affected my life in ways that are not obvious to others. I just always assumed I was supposed to like and date men, as that is the only socially acceptable way to be. Society has just conditioned me to think and act a certain way, and I always felt like there was something missing. It felt as if there was a small black box in my brain that hadn’t been opened or explored.
I would look at women and think, “Well, I’m not checking them out, I’m just admiring their purse, or shoes, or clothes.” I would look at men and say more superficial things like “He has nice abs,” which was a way for me to imply sexual attraction without actually having any. It scared me to think that I wasn’t “normal” in the constructed sense of being heterosexual. Why do I not like men when all of my other friends have boyfriends and go on dates etc., I would think to myself. I’d never been asked out by either sex, and looking back maybe I give off that vibe to guys that I’m just not interested.
Since being in college, I’ve learned a lot of social justice things and the fact that “normal” is a socially constructed word. My insecurity hasn’t really affected my life negatively, as people just look at me and assume I am straight. I used to stay up at night, wondering to myself if I am lesbian or not. I have definitely come to the conclusion that I am, but I know that it’s a spectrum and there’s more to it than just sexual attraction. It was an insecurity that was gnawing away at me from the inside, and one that I knew I needed to, and still need to address.
Thankfully, I am finding my way at a liberal arts college, and place where I feel safe and comfortable.