“I am not my sensitivity”

You know the feeling when your brain just keeps running at full speed? When you catch yourself ruminating over choices you’ve made or choices you’re about to make? Welcome to my world.

I have always been a worry wart growing up and I’ve heard plenty of people tell me to STOP WORRYING. I would always seek reassurance from people to make sure I was doing the “right thing”. See, I don’t seem to worry about the larger things in life. My faith grounds me and it is easier for me to say “everything is in God’s plan” when it comes to large life changes that are out of my control. But when it comes to the little things in life? Those trip me up.

I am a very empathetic person so I am extremely sensitive to others’ emotions. But unlike others where they may ask the person what is wrong, I ask myself…what did I do wrong?
It’s almost like this fear of people not liking me or not being good enough washes over me instantly. Then I catch myself trying to analyze everything I said or did just to assure myself that I did not make a mistake, even though I probably did absolutely nothing. I also compensate by always saying “I’m sorry”. Almost like those two words will put me in the clear of this imaginary blame I am putting on myself. It has also made me self-conscious when people have pointed this out to me and tell me to stop saying sorry. This occasional annoyance from others then of course creates a new cycle of worrying that they are upset towards me. I guess it’s also a fear that I will be looked at as crazy or annoying, and in the end, be alone.

I know there are things I can’t control in this world, like other people’s emotions. I have gotten better over time about slowing my mind down and letting things go instead of dwelling on everything I do to make sure it is “correct”. But there are still times it creeps up on me again. I want to work on these things and become stronger in my own thinking to be able to stop the nonsense before it starts. I have to realize that in the big picture, small things like these really do not matter.

The support of others has carried me through the hard times and has been the reassurance I need to know that everything will be okay. I want to work on my faith too so that it covers every thought I have, whether big or small. Every problem is not my fault. I am not my sensitivity.