“I am not my scissors”

Self harm is not a joke. I started cutting myself when I was fifteen. I don’t really remember what was happening for me at the time, I just know that it wasn’t good. I’ve had people give me a lot of grief for it. “You’re just looking for attention” and “That’s not a real problem.” So many people in my life have thought that I cut because I want to die. But actually it’s the exact opposite. I want, more than anything, to live. Sometimes it’s a control thing. Sometimes I’m searching for relief. And sometimes I just want to feel something, anything. It can get dangerous, yes. Which is why it scares me that I have so little control.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was sixteen. It’s added a lot of hardships to my life. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that sometimes the strongest people are the ones who have gone through hard times.

It’s a living hell, really. A nightmare that I can never wake up from. Going from being fine one minute to being insanely depressed the next. Ruining personal relationships that I have. Thinking that everyone is going to leave me and therefore I leave them first. Wanting nothing but to see myself bleed.

But I am learning to overcome it. It’s hard as hell but I am learning. I also want to make others learn. Learn that like I said self harm is not a joke. Mental illness in general is not a joke. It is a real thing. It is a real issue.