“I am not my regret”

I would do anything to go back in time.
Reverse the hands of this ticking clock,
Step into a world where you would still be there,
And I could still talk to you.

I would sweep back that mess of hair
From your sunburnt forehead,
Pick you up from the ground,
Let you lean on me as you limped down the hall,
Catch every tear that you ever cried in my cupped hands,
And throw it into the ocean
Where it would mingle with the crashing waves
And I could say,
“See? Tears, sweat, and the ocean.
They’re all just salt water.
That’s all they are,
And they’re not meant to be wasted
On those douchebag bullies at school.
Think of the fish!
They need that saltwater.”

I would round house kick all the bullies in the face
For every time they laughed at you.
Give them the worst wedgies of their lives
For every time they “accidentally” shoved you,
Stick gum in their hair
For every “loser” post-it note,
Grab them by their shoulders
Whenever they called you “fag”
And yell at them,

“Can’t you see??
Can’t you see that this boy
Is more perfect
Than you could ever hope to be?

That the depths of his eyes
Hold more character
Than the depths of your soul

That the whispering lines
floating across his weary hands
Hold the weight of the world

That his feet stumble
With every cruel word
That emerges from your careless lips

That your cold stares
And frosted tongues,
Knock the very breath from his chest

That he is lost in this fog
Of battered words and bruised faces,
Swallowing every jagged shard
of hate you send his way,
Suppressing his pain
In choked silence

Can’t you see??”

But it’s too late;
I’m sorry.
I’m so so sorry
That none of us fully understood
The pain you were going through

I wish I could take it all back.
When you ran through the street,
disoriented and lost
Feeling so alone and forsaken

When in reality
I would’ve been right there with you
If you had just called.

But I was light years away
When you didn’t want to live anymore,
And faced the oncoming traffic
With outstretched arms,
Welcoming the coming darkness,
That came in the form of blaring headlights
Etched in the nighttime breath.


But when I say RIP
I don’t mean
Rest In Peace.
Because there’s no resting here.
There’s no rest or comfort
In the fact that you’re gone,
And that I’ll never see you again.

When I say RIP,
I actually mean
Rewind It Please,
Please don’t just
Reside In Pain
Because you know that
Reality Is Proof
That you can’t
Reject Its Place
So just
Ruin Its Possession
Of cruel words and aggression
This indiscretion
Of emotional suppression
That becomes an obsession
And then a regression
Never in a confession
A lack of expression
That leads to depression.

Depression took you away,
And now you’re gone,

Never seems like a long time,
But maybe at the end of it all,
We can sit on lawn chairs in the back yard,
We can sip on ice tea and eat peach pie,
Laughing in the summer sun
And basking in the warmth of the golden rays.
And we would be free: living and breathing and free.