“I am not my rape”

Everyone thinks that its so easy to just get out of an abusive relationship “I’d never let a man do that to me” is the phrase you hear so often but when you’re in it, that’s still the phrase that runs through your head, but along with many others “he said he’s sorry” “it only happened once” then “it only happened twice” and then it continues. Eventually you’re so brainwashed you’re not sure you deserve any better than what you’re in, than whats happening to you. But the truth is you are.

After everything I’ve been through, I have to know that I am here for a reason, I have to be, I’ve had a gun held to my head and the trigger pulled for some reason it jammed and I am still here, I was forced to my knees and forced to the bed to give up something that I used to think meant something and was special. Sex, love, men everything lost its meaning in the year I was being abused but then it happened, the last night he would ever hurt me again. I still can’t remember much from that night other than I survived to the next day.

1 year 1 month and 1 week is how long I lived in total hell, but it lasted more than 3 years due to the legal process. Truth is, its not always going to end how you want, but its your choice how to deal. Everyone heals differently and for a long time I let being raped affect me and make me who I was, sex was nothing to me in a year. I dated 8 different guys just because they thought I was pretty and liked my body and then one day I woke up and wanted to change.

I figured out that I was the one who had to figure things out and heal on my own. I’m a lot stronger and a much better person than I was before I met Eric. I’m strong, I’m a woman who knows what she is worth, even though it’s wasn’t a good point in my life I accept that it happened and I learned from it. I’m also a better person because of it and I had the strength to get out and even though my life was threatened I knew that I would be okay because I had family and true friends to support me.

Not only did I have them, I also had myself. You can do it, you deserve better, and you are better. Don’t let someone tell you that you’re any different or any less worth it.

After I decided I wanted to change I was able to better myself and once that happened, I was also able to meet a real man, someone who respects me and respects women. He treats me how I should be treated.

It’s been 3 years now and I’m stronger than ever. If anyone out there is in this situation and thinks that you have no way out, the truth is you do, you have more support from people you probably don’t even know care about you.

This is still something that happened to me and yes I am still affected by it, but it does not define me and it will not define you.