Always questioning if things are good enough. Always wondering if it could have been better. An incessant voice inside my head undermining my security. Was that your best? Was there a better way to do it? The questions are ongoing, they became an inescapable nagging that silences all other thoughts. All I can think is I haven’t lived up to my potential and therefore I’m not good enough. Not being good enough is a condemning status. It means I’m not worthy. I’m not worth someone’s time or energy. I’m not worth paying attention to. I’m not worth speaking to. I’m not worth acknowledging or interacting with. If I’m not worth it then what is the point? The point of doing, of trying, of being… But there must be a point, so I must be worth something, so I must be good enough for something. Maybe life is about figuring out what that something is? Does that mean that everyone has the same nagging voice inside of their heads as I do? Is everyone trying to figure out what they’re good enough for?
I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to figure it out. It will always be a part of me and that’s hard. Constantly taking stock of who you are compared to who you think you should be or could be is difficult to say the least. Yet ultimately, I think that it makes me stronger and hopefully better. In making me better, I begin to become the person I can and should be. I grow one step closer to transforming the nagging into a mere whisper. A whisper I can live with whereas, an inescapable nagging is oppressive. As long as the voice doesn’t completely disappear I always have a reminder to get better. If I get a little better every day my insecurity then becomes a source of strength. That is the ultimate improvement. One step closer to becoming better. One step closer to becoming good enough.