“I am not my pills”

Sometimes I wonder why I take these pills everyday. Then I look back on my life. A lot of situations factored into it. My problems started once I got to be about 12 or 13 years old, that’s when it all changed. There was an incident I was involved in, which led to severe bullying. At first I told myself I could handle it by myself. Little did I know that it would be much easier said than done. I experimented with self harm. Nothing really came of it, and the harassment settled down.

Fast forward a couple years to when I was 15. My depression (which was un treated at the time) was getting worse. I didn’t really know what it was. I thought I was just over reacting. People would still call me names. I would walk down the hall and hear nasty words being said. I was called a slut, whore, cunt, and told to go slit my wrists and die. I got anonymous phone calls straight out telling me to kill myself because no one liked me. Again, I didn’t tell anyone.

It started getting to me. I got back into the self harm, except this time it got serious. It was getting hard to hide. The suicidal thoughts started slipping into my mind. It took over my life. This lead to many ER visits to get stitches. Then came my first inpatient hospitalization in March of 2013. This is when i had my first prescribed med. I was really embarrassed at first. I thought I was crazy ( because others were telling me too) It was prozac, if anything this med made my symptoms worse. I was discharged after 1 week. Little did i know my long journey into hospitals was just beginning. From March-May I was hospitalized 3 more times. All for self harm and suicidal thinking. June of 2013 my world came crashing down. I was sexually assaulted. My meds just weren’t doing it anymore. I had cut myself pretty severely. My thoughts were really getting to me. I was yet again hospitalized.

This is when my freedom was taken from me. This was only supposed to be a 2 or 3 week hospital stay.…5 months later they told me I still couldn’t go home. I was put on mood stabilizers, anti depressants, sleeping, and anxiety meds. I was transferred to a higher level care facility in the state. Fast forward 5 months to April of 2014. After being hospitalized for 10 months. I was discharged. During that time period I was put on/ taken off of many different meds. Looking back throughout all of this I realized how much my meds really did help me and my treatment. There definitely is a stigma attached to mental illness and medication. Which made me feel “not normal” at first. I still struggle a lot with self injurious behaviors, and my suicidal thoughts. Though, most days these meds do take away those intense thoughts. I’m only at the beginning of my journey, I still have a long road ahead of me. But, I’m willing to do whatever it takes.