“I am not my neediness”

In today’s society, it’s every man for himself. You can’t depend on anyone to get you anywhere. It all comes down to you and your fight for what you want. But doesn’t that get lonely always keeping everything to yourself, never showing emotion, being numb to the world around you as others pass by fighting their own fight.

It always felt like I was the only one who cared. I was the only one who would go the extra mile for someone who didn’t even care to take a step towards me. It seemed as if I was the only one who wanted to fight the daily battles of life with others. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything better than seeing someone talk about something they care about and how they light up. This beautiful moment is often missed by many because that would take away from ourselves. I am always the one seeing others’ faces light up, but who is watching mine? I often question why I am always the one putting in more effort than everyone else.

Is wanting someone to care about you needy? I’ve been in situations where I felt like it before and that is the most uncomfortable and depressing feeling. And the problem was, I felt “needy” so many times it became a part of me, a negative characteristic I saw in myself.

When it comes to friendships or relationships, I find myself wondering if I stopped making time for someone, would I ever hear from them again. Thinking these thoughts about someone you really care about is heartbreaking and discouraging and I find myself feeling that way every day. I would always make plans because that shows I value time with that person, but if they don’t ask does that mean they don’t care about me? These situations turned into a daily analysis of friendships and relationships that turned more into work rather than a mutual, caring bond. It become a constant battle where I questioned what was so wrong with ME that I would put others first when I was maybe fifth on their list of priorities.

It wasn’t until college that I realized people show their needs and desires in different ways, often different ways than me. There are plenty of ways to say you care about someone and value them without directly saying it and I never realized that until it was too late and lost a best friend because of our emotional differences. It took long time for me to realize that the fact that I need someone to need me isn’t a character flaw. It’s more about wanting to share experiences and have a trust in others; to believe that they like me as much as I like them. To my surprise, there are people out there who feel the same way and would go to great lengths to put in effort towards me, it just takes time to find them.

One thing I learned is that walking away doesn’t mean defeat and depending on someone doesn’t show weakness. I’m slowly learning to view my neediness as a strength that will lead me exactly where I’m meant to be.