“I am not my motivation”

Motivation. It seems silly, but it bothers me that I haven’t really found a lot in life that really drives me to wake up in the morning or do daily activities.

Since I was a kid I have noticed how much I procrastinate on school work: something that hasn’t changed even though I’m now in graduate school. I get everything done, but maybe not in a timely or efficient fashion. I went to college because it was expected of me. There, I went undeclared for two years because few majors interested me. I’m in graduate school now, in part because I’m not entirely sure what I want to do with the rest of my life and this is one way of putting it off.

In class, I learn about how internal motivation can be a huge driving force to change that is more impactful than external motivations. I learn that internal motivation can be a protective factor against various risks in life. I wonder what it says about me that I can’t find any, even for topics that are supposed to be important.

Even outside of school and work, I can’t find the motivation to do things like maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Like the stereotype, I gained about fifteen or twenty pounds in college, but despite disliking my appearance and growing pant-size, and my doctor warning me about my weight, it still took years for me to buckle down and do something about it. Still today, it takes someone dragging me to work out and a class assignment to change my eating patterns.

If you’ve seen the movie Office Space you’ve thought about what you’d do if money wasn’t an obstacle. Similar to the movie, I would do nothing. There just isn’t anything out there that I’ve found that will not make work feel like work.

I don’t know how I will be successful if I can’t find that passion that it seems so many other people have and use every day.