“I am not my lying”

Like a lot of people I know, I am terrified of confrontation. However,
instead of dealing with confrontation productively and maturely through
open discussion and dialogue, I flee from even the faintest hint of it.

I literally ran away at the age of 13 when my parents told me they were
getting divorced, but usually, my response to confrontation is to lie. I
lie about how people and their actions affect me, saying that I’m okay,
that they don’t need to worry about me, that I just want them to be
happy. And perhaps surprisingly, this strategy works for the most part.
I’m able to fool people. I’m able to make people believe that I’m fine
so that they can continue to use me or ignorantly hurt me.

However, my lying often hurts me, because when I lie to make other people happy, I am
consciously or subconsciously sacrificing my own happiness. I lie to
maintain a weak semblance of peace in my relationships, but sometimes
it’s too much.

The lying can start to eat away at me from the inside out until small problems explode
into huge conflicts. Not only does my lying consistently hurt me, but it also hurts the people who love me.
Even though it’s scary, the truth ultimately hurts a lot less than lies
do, so I’m working on being more honest with myself and those around me.