“I am not my justifications”

It’s so damn hard for me to “just do it”, but I’m trying. For most of my life, I’ve justified and explained everything I do because I need everyone’s approval. My own approval hasn’t been enough, hasn’t been worthy. I wasn’t worthy as a child. I still feel like that child sometimes. So I candy coat everything. I constantly justify everything. I explain the crap out of things I want to do, or need, or feel. Everything needs to look like a neatly wrapped present with a big bow on it for everybody, so I can be met with approval. When I can’t justify something I want to do, or a need I have, then I don’t do it. I don’t ask for it. When I can’t explain why I feel a certain way, then I just don’t share it or talk about it. I suppress it. And it eats away at me. It’s crazy. I struggle intensely with the idea of being disapproved of.

I get stuck. I’m silent. I hold back. Sometimes I feel trapped. I’ve missed out on opportunities both personal and professional. But I am not my justifications. I just fear disapproval. And I don’t know why. But why doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that it’s time to stop needing everyone’s understanding. Let go of the insecurities and the need to please everybody else and “just do it”. Fuck it. One “do” at a time.

At 45, I’m slowly learning to say “just because”. No explanation necessary. “Just because” needs to be a complete sentence for me. I’m beginning to build confidence in doing things, regardless of what others think. I don’t want to dress everything up in ornaments anymore or make everything pretty for everybody else. I want a little bit of messy in my life.

I want to be able to say “I want”, “I need”, “I’m doing” without adding a never-ending explanation. I am worthy of my own approval. I don’t really need anyone else’s anymore. I just have to start to own that. Break free of the “approval chains”. No reason. No justification necessary.