“I am not my invisibility”

Throughout my child hood I would feel like I am not really visible. At school, I would sit in class and my mind would be somewhere else, I guess you could say I was a dreamer. I only had one very close friend growing up. I was the kid who wanted to be seen and liked, so I would buy my friends candy and hang out trying to fit in, but didn’t.

As I got older and started high school, the Hippy movement and the Vietnam War were raging, I jumped on the bandwagon and ran after freedom causes. This was the most visible time in my life and I had many friends that I took care of, I was a doer. I still equated my self worth with what I could do for a cause or people. Then men came on the scene and I became the woman behind the man. Every man I have been with has gotten use to all the things that I could do for them, they never saw me, I mean really me, I supported them financially, emotionally, and physically. During every relationship I would take a step back and start to feel invisible, like the true me is never looked at, loved or thought of, only the man’s wants and ambitions are valid. Even my husband of 32 years had a six-month affair with one of my so-called close girlfriends. They never once thought about me or how I might feel about them, I was invisible in their eyes. Being a mom is the only place in my life where I have not felt invisible, until my son went off to college. That is another story.

I am now discovering what it is like to be single, sexy and sixty. It is not easy trying to get a social life at this age. You really do feel invisible. Invisible at work, the younger colleagues are in the limelight. Invisible at home, a lot of time with just myself. Not really feeling thought of or cherished. Aging in our society become a search for the fountain of youth. If you look younger, thinner and beautiful, then you are seen. As a person gets older they become part of this invisible generation. I can go into a store and I feel like I am not there, because no one talks to me or offers to help me. On the contrast, when I go to a store with my beautiful 30-year-old daughter, people could not help us fast enough. I am not old enough to warrant help with things and I am not young enough to attract attention any more. What is my purpose, my passion, and my dream now? To be seen enough to know I matter, to be seen enough to know that I have made a difference, to be seen enough to be recognized, and to be seen enough to be loved.