“I am not my insufficiency”

My Insecurity, as are most peoples I’m sure isn’t content to be confined to written word, but is instead constantly shifting, mutating to rear its ugly head in new and unusual parts of my life. It is a hydra: kill one head, and three more spring up from its remains. In the same way “The Sum of All Things” is different from “Everything”.

Being insufficient in Everything implies a broad stroke, “everything” becomes “one thing”. Insufficient in “The Sum of All Things” Is different in that it acknowledges that there are many, many little insufficiencies that when taken together, grow. It’s the difference between moving a boulder, and moving two tons of sand, both with your bare hands. By far, the sand is the more daunting task. In my mind, the sand grains multiply, and a daunting task soon becomes an impossible one. Why bother trying to fix one small problem when there are so many waiting for your attention? The sum of all those little problems is greater than the whole.

Somedays, I can barely face getting out of bed, because what would be the point? Its not like I’m talented enough, friendly enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, loyal enough, holy enough, perfect enough. Not being good enough is no better, and in some ways worse than being the worst. It would be easy to pick someone, something, to be the standard setter, the one for who I’m never good enough, and there are a lot of easy candidates: My parents, my siblings, my teacher, the school system, my pastor, my church, the government, the list goes on. But in the end it comes back to me. I allow others’ standards to bring me down, and I allow other peoples’ standards to become my own. Why? Because my own are insufficient, of course. I try to live up to everyone around me, but why? Why do I seek their approval so desperately? Why aren’t a B+, a few extra pounds, one or two good friends, one talent, good enough for me? I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why i constantly strive for perfection when it is clearly unattainable. All I know is I’m tired, tired of insufficiency, tired of trying to meet standards other than my own. I refuse to let my insufficiencies rule my life anymore. Too many opportunities have passed me by, untouched for fear of failure, for fear of not being good enough.

I will not be crippled by fear anymore. I will not be beholden to other peoples’ standards to the extent that their approval is necessary for self esteem’s sake. For too long, what I am NOT has dominated my life, so as a final tribute to that chapter of my life, there is one more insufficiency i would like to acknowledge, one more failure to meet one more standard: I am not, and will not be, my insufficiencies.