“I am not my favors”

Pressure. Pressure to help others, especially those you love. It weighs down on you, until you can’t move. It crushes you. Or at least it crushes me.

I love helping others, I really do. If my friends need anything at all, I’m there. I help complete strangers too. And while I love to help, I realize I can’t say no. Because how do you look someone in the eyes, who needs your help, and say no because you have to put yourself first?

I never put myself first, even when the pressure of favors weighs down on me so heavily, that I wake up stressed, exhausted, and I throw up. But then I hop in the shower, make it through my day, perform my favors, and think about how each decision would affect everyone, but myself. And it really takes a toll. Classes are skipped from exhaustion. Stress floods my mind to complete every task. Burdens weigh heavy on my heart. I don’t do what makes me happy, but what makes others happy. And I’m not happy. I’m not happy at all.

I put on this mask that I wear everyday. It has a smile, a joke, and an aura of confidence. I make others happy. I make them laugh. But a lot of times when I’m alone, I cry. And I can’t stop crying. Only a few people have seen behind this mask and know how insecure I truly am. But it’s hard trying to please everyone and then show them what a mess I am inside. People have expectations of me, and who am I to destroy them?

The worst part of it all, is feeling unappreciated. It’s as if I am always there for everyone, but when I need a friend or someone to talk to or hang with, suddenly everyone is busy, and I’m all alone. And i’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of considering everyone’s thoughts for every task. I’m tired of waking up, feeling sick, and appeasing everyone else. I’m tired of doing everyone favors, and getting little in return. And you know why I get nothing in return? Because everyone assumes that because I fix everything, I couldn’t possibly be broken. But I am. I am so broken. And if only I could tell people, maybe they would help.

But day in and day out, I continue on helping others before myself. And while I know it’s a nice thing to do, I need to learn to help myself, and let others help me too.