“I am not my eating disorder”

Childhood is such a formative time in one’s life. So many actions and reactions contribute to how someone is shaped for the rest of their lives. Growing up in image conscious LA, I was the chubby kid. With media concepts of what attractive people should look like all around me, I felt different, and started hating myself because of that difference. Whenever I perceived people didn’t like me, in my mind it was because I was fat. Food and consumption were what I perceived to be the reason for my fat, and so an eating disorder developed.

Today I am not fat, but I often lapse into the mind set that I am. I go through cycles of binging then fasting, something I know is bad for me, but that I just cannot seem to kick. I have no doubt made strides, but all too often, I look in the mirror and see a fat person. And I hate that person. I hate them for being weak, and tell them no wonder no one likes them, when they look like that.

This is far from ideal, but part of who I am. I work hard to shed this idea of myself. A world free of it would be heaven. But at the moment, that reality seems so far away. One day though, it won’t be.