“I am not my drugs”

Insecurity directly translates into vulnerability. When you are stuck with something you wish you could change, but cannot, it follows you around throughout your entire life. The wound is really hard to heal and every time someone makes a comment or remark about the thing you are insecure about, they are squeezing a lemon into that open wound. It doesn’t matter how much confidence a person comes across as having, they have some aspect of themselves, or their life that they feel is inadequate. Nobody is in control of the organized chaos that is reality.

I am seventeen years old but since the age of thirteen…way before I even lost my virginity people were calling me a whore. I never really understood why… I had had boyfriends but i was far from slutty. When I first started highs school girls who were way older than me were making up nasty rumors about me and guys at the high school assumed I was easy. I tried to drown out the pain of having a horrible reputation by cutting myself, drinking, doing drugs…And I guess it kind of worked for the time being. It was easier than facing the real world. Because the rumors got so intense and everybody seemed to believe them, guys would continue adding to them saying stuff about me that wasn’t true because they knew people would believe it. Eventually it got to be too much and I got too out of hand and got sent away to rehab.

I figured that when I returned from rehab in Utah the rumors would have died down and I would have a fresh start at a new school. It definitely helped a lot but it still follows me around. I live in a small town and I am infamous. I could move away, I could go back to trying to escape reality, but instead I have decided to embrace it. I try to appreciate the humor in the situation because I am definitely not a whore. Standing up to people who are trying to devalue me is one of the most empowering experiences. I try to love myself and find compassion for the closed minded people who wouldn’t give a little girl the benefit of the doubt.

Without insecurities one would be flawless and fake. Insecurities shape you and make you into a stronger person who knows themselves. Although I have come a long way the wound is still open. When I hear that people have been talking shit about me it still hurts. When I hear that a guy is telling people he fucked me when I have never met him its hard not to punch someone in the face. But time, and strength are the things that are going to help and heal me. The experiences I have had growing up these past five years have also given me a compassion for both girls who are actual sluts and girls who get called sluts. I have definitely said some nasty things about other girls in the past but now, through everything, it is really hard to because I know about how much it must hurt them.

I always think about how every human being on this earth was an adorable innocent little baby at one point. You would never will a little baby to grow up in a harsh world, but they are forced to. Each day of their life, each person they encounter, each experience they have is just another step towards the day when they’re dying and looking back at the life they had. Taking your anger and insecurities out on another person isn’t going to make you feel better in the long run, and it could possibly effect their life in ways that are unimaginable. We are all just walking each other home.