I cannot shut my brain off, constantly wondering what, when, and how in everything. Partly because my health issues have heightened my sensitivity to my anxiety/panic/fears and depression. Partly because I was that way before my endocrine system went haywire. Worrying about what people think, worrying about events that are traumatic and will never happen, and concerned about having attacks in public. I have lost friends because of these things… Have often felt alone, my husband has been the only one to truly stand by my side, grab my hands and tell me no, aiding in helping in my recovery from self harm. I am very lucky to have someone who has seen so much crazy and sticks beside me. People are always asking me if I am ok, or what is wrong, hell I have had someone tell me I am rude… Why? Because I am not fake and bubbly?
This brings me to now, after looking at this photo I took almost a year ago and realizing this “cycle” is not really the insecurity. I started to reflect on what it really is, these were all effects of some thing greater. After glancing at other photos and completely relating to feeling lost, being worthless, not good enough, and the many others who suffer with my cycle of issues… I still could not pin point it. There are so many messed up things I have had and continue to deal with that cause me to be who I am, a ball of insecurities. I realized I don’t belong…. Or at least in every circle of humans I come into contact with I feel like a wallflower and outcast because of all of the above elements. I am not sure if the “word” should have been belong. I, like many others want to belong, be respected, and accepted, and feel comfortable. I am working on not caring what others think, and trying really hard to accept that if at the end of the day it is me and my dogs and husband that is fine, that is who was meant to be a part of me. I could ramble on, but I know I need to get the confidence to stand up to all of these issues and not let any of them define me. I am not sure how to pin point it in a word/words so today I am lost. I will continue to work hard through each day to feel normal, worthy, healthy etc.