“I am not my communication”

I often struggle to find the words; the words to make you stay, to make you believe, to let you in. By nature I keep myself closed off. Each relationship, whether it be a platonic or romantic, I hide how I’m really feeling, what I’m really thinking, things that make me vulnerable because when you leave it will be that much easier to move on. I don’t let you take stake in my life. I don’t show the effort you want me to, so you leave. Despite my ability to act like I don’t care, that’s when it usually when I come to the realization about the extent to which I do.

I think in the beginning I thought it was easier to act like I don’t care, suppress my emotions to stop myself from being hurt, but emotions work like water coming out of a faucet in the bathroom, when it’s off there’s no more water. When I don’t let you in and when I act like I don’t care I don’t get hurt, but I also miss out on all the good things that come with developing a relationship with you. By expecting the worst, waiting for you to walk out of my life leaving me hurt, I don’t experience support and security. I feel myself missing out, but struggle to change my “don’t care” mentality.

When you tell me you care, I won’t believe you. After letting people walk in and out of my life I have a hard time believing that you actually do. Words are just words, they’re easy to say and not mean, that’s why I don’t say them. If I don’t believe you, why should you believe me?

I’m not my effort. I’m not how much I seem to not care. Each time you tell me that I’m not giving it my all it hurts. It hurts but I won’t show you or tell you. I’ll let you leave because if you walk away now it won’t hurt as much as when you walk away later. So instead of telling me, show me you care and I’ll show you. Give me time to trust you and give me time to open up on my own terms. Don’t get angry with me because even though you may think I’m not, I am trying. I am more than what I am able to communicate.