“I am not my commitment”

It has always been difficult for me to form close relationships with other people because of how easily people walk out of my life. Single serving, single semester friends come and they go and very much upsets me seeing how uncomfortable they get when I acknowledge their existence after some time has passed. I miss you all so much, I wish you didn’t go away. This leaves me feeling cold, bitter, cynical, and distant and these feelings stop me from attempting to form a close relationship with an individual because I expect them to leave me at one point or another. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve already lost so much and will lose so much more in the future. I distance myself to avoid getting hurt but this leaves me feeling so alone. I’ve struggled to find that warm feeling in another person that I have not felt in so long. The distance I experience from you all is painful. The phone calls you don’t return hurt my feelings. The passive aggressive ignoring of another human being makes me very angry. I need brutal honesty that many individuals are far too cowardly to engage in. Tell me I’m not important to you, tell me I’m not worthy of your time but please don’t ignore my existence. I need to know what you think of me. I need to know that you’ll stick around beyond the convenience of class twice a week. I need to know that I can rely on someone other than myself.

I have never understood how people can so easily move on from one thing to another. One class to another. One place to another. One person to another. I wish you knew how big of an imprint you all have left on my heart. I wish you knew how much you mean to me. I need you to know how difficult it is for me to let you slip away. I need you to know that my heart breaks when you leave. I need you to know how happy I am to see you. I need you to know how much I love you.