“I am not my codependency”

Relationships are everything to me. For as long as I can remember, failed relationships have always hit closer to home than a failed test or late assignment. I am confident in saying that relationships are my lifeline; they define my purpose. Being in relationships, falling out of relationships, sabotaging relationships; let’s just say I am an expert. Relationships are my drug and vulnerability is my is the way I attain this drug.

There is something so painfully beautiful about the vulnerability of being so engulfed in a relationship, whether it be a friendship or otherwise, that somehow without that person you wouldn’t be the person you are. Somehow, without them, you would be less than the best version of yourself. This ideal is beautiful, but my story, my image, comes from times when relationships aren’t there for you, or they just disappear without notice, warning, or a care in the world for your heart.

As I previously stated, being vulnerable is a beautiful thing. To other people, you seem open, inviting, welcoming, engaging and “super easy to talk to”. But being vulnerable, as glamorous as the life of gaining friends like the freshman fifteen can seem, exponentially and rapidly increases your chances of getting hurt. Not the hurt that goes away after a minute, the deep, painful, lingering pain of friends who decide they don’t want to be around anymore, friends who hurt you time and time again but in fear of losing the lifeline of friendships, we forgive over and over again for the sake of having those people in our lives.

Forgiveness is the enemy of vulnerability. Regardless of being aware of self-worth, forgiveness seems like a great alternative to the emptiness of a life without a certain person. “It’s ok, it was an accident, they didn’t mean it, they still care”. Time and time again I have said these things to myself. Does this make me seem weak? Yes. Do I hate how easily I forgive? Absolutely. Am I dependent on other people, fortunately and unfortunately yes. But what I do know is the love that I have in my heart for my relationships means the world to me.

I have thought on numerous occasions that I have so much love for other people because I haven’t quite mastered loving myself. I’ve excused the necessary ability of loving oneself because I have convinced myself that I have been too busy loving other people. But as many wise people have told me, you cannot properly love somebody else, until you love yourself.

So this is my battle; the battle to love myself and to forgive myself for not having done this sooner. Ask most people who know me well and they will tell you that I am great friend, always there when they need me, always showing up when I’m supposed to, a strong individual that doesn’t seem to take shit from anybody. But little do they know that I haven’t been showing up for myself and I take shit from people all too often. I forgive them when they don’t need to be forgiven, because to seem compassionate and forgiving seems a lot better than being alone, or lonely, I haven’t quite figured out the difference yet. It’s time for me to be harder on other people, and most importantly to be harder on myself in making sure I realize that it’s time to show up for myself, to be there for me, to be selfish sometimes and to depend on myself. I am not my co-dependency, but it’s definitely something I am ready to conquer.