I have faced my demon every day for some time now.
I look up at her in the mirror as she takes her fingers out from her throat and wipes her face off. She looks me in the eye and I can see pain. I recognize her so well, yet I am the only one who would ever recognize the girl I see. I will carry on with my day to day life as she waits for me to return and release my stress with her.
The stress has been released from my body. The stress to be what our society thinks is beautiful- skinny. My dad lost his job and my family is struggling more than ever. I feel like my existence is weighing my family down and money would be less tight if I wasn’t around. But I feel like there is nothing i can do, that i am helpless. This is the one thing I feel like I have control over.
But in reality it has control over me. I feel guilt for eating, and get the urge to vomit when I think of having a full stomach. Stress to be perfect on the surface comes up from deep within my stomach. This is not a healthy way to live.
Every day my demon tries to control me. I have come to realize that it always will. It constantly whispers in my ear and taunts me to purge. It makes me feel uncomfortable whenever I eat. But I have also come to realize that I don’t have to listen to my demon. I can fight back. It is a daily struggle to hold my food down and ignore the urge to purge, but I have recently found strength within myself to start resisting.
My demon is my bulimia. It haunts me when i am stressed. Whenever I eat anything or look at my body in the mirror. When I feel insecure.
But everybody has their own demon or insecurity, whatever it may be. No human fits into society’s definition of perfect. And rather than embracing our imperfections, we tear ourselves down for having them or let others bring us down. Whether it be your weight, height, family situation, clothes, sexuality, or personality.
There’s always a positive side to something bad. I’m sure of this. I’m seeing the up side to my bulimia as my opportunity to grow from it and conquer it. I want to be better and have a healthy life. I want to not only resist my demon, but defeat it entirely. Our struggles only make us stronger in the long run.
I will defeat the demon.