I wasn’t always aware that I had the capability to fall in love with anyone-I say it like that because I now believe that it’s really an amazing thing that I can fall in love with a soul regardless of gender. However, I haven’t always had that outlook on my sexuality. When I first discovered that I was bisexual, I found myself envious of the people who “had known since they were born” and I felt that people would react to my new discovery with that awful speech about how hormones make your teenage years confusing and “it’s just a stage”. Instead of accepting myself and celebrating this ability to love, I was overwhelmed with insecurity and I let it define me and how I treated myself the first few months.
I caved in to believing that it was just misunderstood feelings toward events in my past; “I’ve never had a woman figure, there was that unwanted event with that boy, and goodness maybe I am just a confused teenager thanks to the Endocrine system” I mean how could the simple act of a friend telling me the song Same Love made her think of me, somehow make me think I’m bisexual? It just sounded so silly, but what I realized was that I had just never given myself the chance to know me until I found myself questioning why this person thought of me when hearing those lyrics-I later found out it was just because I had never made them feel uncomfortable about their sexuality. I didn’t understand how I could support it for anyone else, yet my being bisexual was just unacceptable. I couldn’t feel right about hiding it, but I also felt like it was a secret that I didn’t know how to tell.
I was paralyzed by the fear that it would change how people saw and interacted with me. I was plagued by the question “Will I lose them?” I found myself questioning every relationship I had. “Will the friend I’ve sat next to in classes since freshman year start sitting somewhere else? Will people stop hugging me? Will my closest friends still by my friends? Will my carpool stop giving me rides?” That’s why insecurities are so powerful, they make us fear that even the people who love us will be unable to accept us once we are exposed-they can, they will, and it’s the most powerful love.
My insecurity changed my life, but embracing it changed it even more. I saw people’s minds change, and I found the people who truly love me stood by my side because after all, your friends want to see you be brave. I am not defined by my sexuality, but I will be defined as someone who loves wholeheartedly the people who stood by me.