“I am not my awareness”

A feather floats in the wind and I will run to catch it. Maybe it looks like I’m running away, that I care about what I’m chasing more than I care about the ones I love, but really I’m chasing what catches my interest, what takes me away even just for a moment and expands my heart to hold even more. When an intriguing opportunity comes along, I often seize it before I think about how it will make those who I care about – who care about me – feel.

Over time I have noticed myself doing this again and again, usually when it’s already too late. And when on occasion I am hurt by others in a similar way, I begin to understand. But if I chase after something, or someone, it’s hard to explain that I never meant to hurt anyone, that I do not respect those who I’m close with any less, or love them any less. It’s hard to explain that I didn’t realize that I’d hurt them, and I never wanted to, because it doesn’t change what happened. But I won’t let those slips of my mind define me, as much as it hurts to know the damage I have done.

The moments of pain that I have caused cannot compare with the love I have in my heart and my will to express it however I can.