“I am not my androgyny”

I hated who I was. I woke up every morning and on top of having to decide what I’m wearing that day I also had to decide what I am: masculine or feminine. I couldn’t decide what I was going to be, so instead, I’m both. It’s like I can’t fit in with the straight or gay kids. I’m all grey area as opposed to black or white. It’s not even a sexuality thing; it’s more like an identity crisis.

I don’t know who I am. It all sounds so cliché, “eighteen and still discovering yourself,” but it was more than that; the way I acted and dressed got me teased by both genders because I was different. In 8th grade I got called a dyke and was mistaken for a boy almost every day of school. I was very tomboyish and boys didn’t want to talk to me whatsoever because I was “too masculine” or “too athletic”. I battled myself on this and tried to force myself to be more feminine because that’s what the societal norm was in my hometown. It’s like I’m living a double life: a guy’s life and a girl’s life. They never really coincide or even get along. I had to fake who I was because no one would like or even understand the real me.

There was a time in my life where my mom and my friends even tried to make me look girly, but my inner masculine always covered up their efforts. It doesn’t help that I’m bisexual and conformed to the stereotype of masculine girls who date girls. I had to put up a front with my parents because I didn’t want to disappoint or embarrass them in any way. I felt so alone because no one understood what I was like and I felt like I couldn’t talk about it with anyone either. I didn’t fully understand myself and I’ve never met anyone like me. I was ostracized because I didn’t fall under any particular sexual orientation party: gay or straight. I felt as though I had two different parts of my identity that constantly fight each other. I wish I could just be straight and feminine that way my life would be better and easier.

I’m insecure about my androgyny because I wasn’t what people wanted me to be. I got told my “good looks” were put to waste, and after that I started to feel like I was a waste because of what people told me. Once I moved out for college I realized that there are more people out there like me and I don’t need anyone else’s approval for who I am. I am my own person- I own my individuality, and now I love myself for it.