“I am not my accident”

Almost nine years ago I was hurt driving a 4500 gallon water truck. The repetitive driving with no power steering on the 1962 Kenworth Dinosaur was brutal to say the least. I might as well tore my arms off…..

It herniated two discs in my neck & caused permanent nerve & tendon damage in boths arms , wrists & hands.

Since then I have had six surgeries on my arms.. Three each & two disc fusions on my neck. The discs are degenerating now. More to come I am sure… As I am degenerating now…
The pain levels are hovering at a 7-8 all the time… Pain pills barley touch the pain.. I have succumbed to the fact that I am going to live in chronic pain for the rest of my life…
Did I mention this happend when I was 41.. I just turned 50 March 31, 2011.

I have found over the years it has strained the friendships that I have with people.. The silent killer if you will … You cannot see my pain like you can a birth mark or a cast on a broken arm… Some of my “old” friends believed I should have gotten “better” and cannot understand why I have not. They have left me or our friendship in abandonment…

My daily routine has totally changed dramatically.. I must choose now what I can do for a day.. “do I try to clean part of my home…. “ do I do laundry…. “ do I shower…..
All these simple yet daily chores we all have taken for granted are now major issues in my daily life.. Once I have done one.. It is too painful to try to conquer another.. Even working out has changed.. I cannot use my arms.. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that.. My four year old grand daughter has stronger upper body strength than I do.
So at the end of the day to say I am “irritable” sometimes can be an understatement.

I don’t try to be, the pain consumes my brain, leaves me feeling helpless on most days.
I push thru it & remind myself that my daughter loves me…. My son loves me Olivia loves me… & bruce loves me…

And the friends that have not abandoned me love me too,…. There have been plenty of days when I thought of just ending the pain… It makes me angry..

I have too much life left to live…. Too many days & dreams to fufill.. I need to watch my granddaughter grow up & get married….

However I ask of you one day… Just one day.. Try to live without the use of your arms…..
Causing incruciating pain even if you are only trying to eat.