How much insecurity do I really have?!
“I’ve battled an eating disorder, abusive relationships (mentally, emotionally and physically), rape, social anxiety…” the list seemed like it could go on. But the one that really stood out was the abortion I had dealt with a couple years beforehand.
I never realized the impact my abortion had on me until I really sat down and stared it in the face. I had been living in fear and denial for 2 years. I didn’t want to share with others the pain I had put myself through. I was embarrassed and felt like everyone would instantly judge me as being a villain in this world that we live in.
Little did I know the number of doors that would open and the number of doors that would finally be closed. It took a complete stranger to ask me one simple question “What are your insecurities?”
I had been calling myself a murderer for 2 years, because that is what my ex had decided to call me. In his eyes, I was a murderer, in my eyes I was saving myself from living a life of misery. I got pregnant during a time in my life when I really didn’t have much going for me. I was jobless, car-less, had no insurance, no money, and was thousands of miles away from my family. I had already broken up with my boyfriend because he had pushed me and had anger issues (and after already dealing with abuse from past boyfriends, I was not about to deal with it from another.) I sat on the decision for about a week. I wanted to make the right one.
Then I realized something, whatever decision I came to was the decision I would have to live with. Some people would hate me for it, while most would end up understanding. After my abortion, I promised myself that I would live a life worth living. I told myself I would clean up my act, work hard, and make people proud. I had been hiding from my emotions and covering them up with alcohol. Alcohol turned into my best friend for 2 years. I didn’t even realize it.
Am I proud of my abortion? Absolutely not, it is something I will never put myself through again, but I am proud that I made an adult decision and a decision that I live with on a daily basis;
I finally faced the skeletons in my closet, and I am learning to leave my past my past. I am thankful for being able to enjoy the present time. I thank God every day for the life that he has given me and the people he has surrounded me with. I have a support system like non other and I am forever grateful. People may still judge me on the fact that I had an abortion, but I like to tell them “Don’t judge a book by its cover, judge it by its story.”