“I am not my abandonment”

Do you have any idea what its like to have absolutely nothing left in life but dark memories? This pain that pounds in your head like the crashing waves you hope will swallow your lifeless body whole. Absolutely nothing at the age of 19.

I collapsed, as the world around me collapsed. I vaulted everything that I had ever suffered through deep down inside me, until one day it literally destroyed me.

I watched someone, who I thought was going to save me, walk out of my life when I needed them most. Their disappearance surfaced everything they had numbed me from & i was left drowning.

Memories of my past consumed me.
neglect. assault. abortion. depression. regrets. cutting. runway.
suicidal. anxiety. inaccessible. abuser. unlovable. nightmares.

I couldn’t take facing the reality that I had survived these events & was now left to face all this on my own. Everything I was told to forget became reality once more. I was overwhelmed with dark memories never processed & nightmares that made me wish I took just enough sleeping pills to never wake up again. Scares covered me, tears blurred my vision & I couldn’t save myself form collapsing. I broke down.

I pushed everyone even remotely close to me away. I turned to anything that would subdue the pain. My thoughts consumed me as I fell further & further into a sea of isolated misery. I had no one & needed nothing; because when you’re at rock bottom you choose a slower suicide, just so you can fell the pain & know that something is still real.

I was abounded by everyone, so I abounded myself.

Then one day I caught my own reflection. I couldn’t recognize whom it was that was staring back at me. I just saw the regret and the hatred in her eyes. & I remembered that some where, deep down inside her, their had been strength. Their had been fearlessness, & their was someone worth fighting for.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to forgive myself, truly believing I was worth saving. I had to pick myself up from nothing & find a reason to start over.

I’m still not 100%, & I don’t know if I ever will be. My past shaped who i am today, each nightmare was a reality I had to face. I abounded myself in a breakdown that left me with nothing but my thoughts. It’s a time I wouldn’t take back for anything, for when I lost myself, I found a better me. I realized who I was, who I wanted to be, & that everything they kept me up at night, also kept me going.

In order to understand everything, you must have nothing. In order to understand yourself, you must abound yourself.

Now I swim with the current of my past, of my breakdown & of my abandonment. I know if I can get through this, I can face anything because this is who I am & I understand that now.