“I am not my problems”

Project Description:

My life story is harsh and can only start with my worst nightmare. When I was 7, I was rapped by my mom’s step brother. I was only 7 years old, and that is what I have to remember of my childhood. When people would ask me, “how was your childhood?” I could barley answer and I would want to just cry…

This is how it started.. My mom wanted to party with her boyfriend and we all went to his house. The other kids and I were in the living room and it was around 10:00 at night. My mom had told us it was time for bed, so the other kids and I went to our ‘rooms.’ I got a bedroom by myself, my brother and sister were in the living room, and my mom and her boyfriend were in his room. It was around 5:00 in the morning and my uncle came into the room I was staying in and laid with me. At first, I didn’t think much of it because I loved cuddling when I was little. He then started to touch me.. I didn’t know what to do, in my head I knew it was wrong because this is the kind of stuff my mom did with her boyfriend. He told me if I screamed or said anything that he would hurt me more and kill my family..

At the time, my family was together and I loved them very much and didn’t want anything to happen to them… He raped me, and when he was done, he left the house and I cried. I went outside and sat on the curb. I don’t remember the timing, but by then it was light outside. The guy who was teaching me guitar at the time came over and asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, he didn’t ask anymore questions.

For years I had hid this and that all I remember from that night and it scared me for life.. My memory starts back up when I was 10 years of age. Family issues started by then I was a little hell raiser. I didn’t want to listen to what anyone said, I was talking to older guys and getting in a lot of trouble. When I was 13, I moved in with my god-mother and started doing even more bad things. I started stealing, lying and writing dirty notes to my boyfriend at the time. But what could you expect from a girl whose mother would always have a different guy, would take him home and pick up another, and so on. I eventually got kicked out of my god-moms house.

I moved back in with my mother and started doing bad at her house again. By this time my mom had been dating my ex-step dad and I got even more upset because my mom did not care about her kids at all. My god-mom came one day and asked if I wanted to move to Oregon with her. I said yes. I moved to Oregon with my god-mom and a month into it I turned 14. I started hanging with the wrong crowd and started smoking, drinking and ditching school. I remember the last time I ran away from my god-moms house; My friend, Lana, and I went out with her boyfriend and his friends… Lana and her boyfriend were in the bathroom having sex and left me alone with her boyfriend’s friend. He tried getting me in the mood and I freaked out.
My god-mom ended up taking me back to my mom’s house. My step dad didn’t want me there and he told me, “if you don’t want to be here there’s the front door!” The next morning, I packed my stuff and I left. I went downtown and stayed with a friend. I then met Jayme, my child’s father. I was 14 he was 18.

It took a while to start trusting Jayme, but soon I fell in love with him.. I became pregnant 3 months into the relationship. The relationship quickly went bad.. He started to tell me that he was going to kill himself if I left him and that I should get an abortion. I told him to f**ck off and I left the house. Our relationship kept going downhill. I also tried calling my mom and asking if I could come home not telling her that I was pregnant. All she said to me was that she would ask my step-dad if I could come home. Three days later, I got a really bad bladder infection and it was going to my kidneys and I went to the hospital. My mom came to sign me out and found out I was pregnant and a social worker told me foster care was an option and I said no and my mom said she would take me home, but behind closed doors, she said “I don’t want you home,” and she asked if I wanted to go into foster care. I said no. A couple of days later, I got into foster care. I couldn’t take the pain of being on the streets and all of what had happened to me there.. Parties, sex, rape, drugs. I was done! My first foster home kicked me out for running away and trying to be with my child’s father. I then went into a new foster home; the mother was cool, but I wanted to move in with my best friend. My foster mom ended up being kind of creepy and she did really weird things, and the house was not an environment I wanted to be in. So, I called the licensing and they had me removed from the home. I later had Ayden, my son, on May 2, 2011 at 6:26am. He was 7 pounds 11 ounces. I had him naturally and I considered being a strong person, and not really caring what people thought. My son and I moved out to Orland and I ended up not liking it there because I was walking 2 miles with my son in the cold just to catch a bus to school. I did like some things out there though, like the fact that they had horses, goats and ducks; things that Ayden would have loved if he was older, but he was still just a new born.

When Ayden was 4 months I had to stop breast feeding. I was not making enough milk for him and I cried when my foster mom brought home formula. But I learned that my body’s changing and still growing. After I moved out from the Orland house I moved back to Chico and moved in with a woman named Jessica. Jessica was nice at first but things eventually got bad. Ayden’s dad got married and Jessica told me. I was heartbroken.. How could someone who claims they love me hurt me so bad? Jessica let me go to a friend’s house and I tried killing myself. All of this for a guy? Yes. I have trust issues and I trusted him with everything. How could he do this to me?

I was in the hospital for a while over the summer; they had to pump blood into me because I lost so much. I almost lost Ayden in the process and I didn’t want that so I gave guardianship to Jessica. Which was a bad thing because now she is making me out to be the bad person and I’m not. I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t drink or anything. Yeah, I hang out with friends but that’s what a teenager does. I have fun, but not too much fun. My life has changed and I love how I am now and I would never change it… I’m hopping someday I will settle down and get married and have more kids and live happy ever after…. I’m 17 and I know my prince charming will be the best guy he knows how to be and I know he will be a wonderful father and never do anything to hurt his kids or myself. Someday my life will be complete and happy! I love my prince charming and I know he loves me too.