“I am not my neediness”

Anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe I have made many friends in college because of it.

In recent years I have discovered that as many friends as I feel I have, I cannot pinpoint one “best friend.” One night, after a very stressful and upsetting conversation with my mother on the phone, I texted four or five different people to ask if they would simply come sit with me in my room. Most responded saying they were too busy or not near my dorm.

I feel it is my obligation as a friend to drop everything and go see any friend of mine and talk when they need help or someone to be with. But when I ask for the same thing, my friends don’t usually have time for me unless it works with their schedule and what is going on in their life at the moment. In an attempt to not come off as needy, I drop the subject and wait until the next time they might be free to talk or hang out. When people do have time for me, whether over text or in person, I sometimes feel like they are only responding out of obligation, rather than actually out of a desire to listen to what I have to say.

These past two semesters have been very lonely for me. But my need for the companionship of other people, and my sadness when it doesn’t exist, do not define me.”