From a young age I developed an awareness and insecurity with my body. I was taller than everyone. I felt almost giant like. The only peers that I had at my height were boys; making me feel even more of an outcast as an awkward teenager. However even more bothersome to me was always and still is my fluctuating weight. Before growing up, by inches at a time, my weight would sit on my body like an unwelcome visitor, with nowhere to go. Then when suddenly I had grown my weight would spread throughout my entire body, making me look thinner and healthier. Although all it would take was one quick outburst of the flu and suddenly my weight would drop to an unhealthy degree.
I felt as though people were talking about me all the time, “she’s too skinny” or “she’s too fat.” I just never truly felt beautiful in the skin I was in. I would pile on layers and layers of clothing too big for me to hide whatever weight I had at the given time, relying on that to help feel normal and accepted. Looking around I’d find myself envious of all the girls who were secure with their bodies, often wishing that I was them.
To this day I still find it hard to ever accept the body that I have. Every week, day, hour and minute it seems as though I am thinking about the lengths I could go to just to find my perfect weight. I battle with my body and mind after every meal, telling myself that I shouldn’t be eating or that I should have worked out harder. Today I wish I had been thankful for my tall and skinny shape I had in junior high. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard to gain back the weigh.
I wish that I could be what I once considered “too skinny” once again. My battle with my own body seems to be never-ending.