The perfect me – the ideal person who sits in my head reminding me of how I’m not good enough. Not smart enough, don’t have enough friends, not skinny enough, simply never good enough. The ideal, this perfect person I held myself accountable too took over and began to win the battle going on inside of me. Who knows what caused the whole path that led me to hate and mistreat myself, but that is not the story that matters.
I suffered from bulimia for a full year and a half before I finally looked in the mirror and told myself “This has to stop.” Comments about my weight or appearance stuck in my mind and whenever I would see that person who said it, that is the first thing that came to mind. I was consumed with portraying this perfect person that had no flaws – I wanted to be seen as a strong girl who never had a downfall. Constantly worrying about people’s perception of me, my perception of me, and how I wasn’t good enough soon became the thing that controlled my life. I finally opened up to one person about my problem, after finally admitting to myself that, yes, I do have an eating disorder. I gathered the courage to tell my Mom and asked her for help. She had no idea the pain I was going through on the inside and had no idea that I had been suffering so bad for so long.
Therapy began and I tried to find the root of this, where did all this self hatred come from? Why was I so hard on myself that I never even deserved to eat dessert after dinner? Session upon session with my therapist, Jen, I started to put the pieces together and I slowly was able to begin winning the battle going on within me. I began to understand that I am so blessed in so many ways, why am I letting this one insecurity weigh me down? I had to learn how to love my body because of the amazing things it allows me to do. I had to learn how to win the battle.
My recovery has been an up and down experience but I am proud to say that I have conquered my bulimia. We all have bad days and we all have good days. My eating disorder has been a place of shame, embarrassment, and anxiety for me for so long. Now I am able to put down the burden and let go of the consuming nature of my eating disorder. I am not perfect, I am not weak, and I am not my eating disorder.